Clinton Township Newsletter

5 a u g u s t 2 0 2 1 Hi Julie, I'm really glad w e h a d o u r conversation in response to your article o n F a t h e r ' s Day. Now that my husband is deceased, your comment about mowing the lawn really got me going since I now mow my lawn as a widow. In my opinion, for me as a woman, outdoor chores are harder than indoor chores. Our conversation prompted me to tell the following hypothetical story and make some suggestions: Once upon a time there was a fly who regularly alighted on the side of a wall. This went on every day for many years to the point that the fly became convinced that she was actually holding up the wall. Her power was amazing! No storm, no rain, no wind ever knocked the wall down. And then one day, after many years, the fly was astonished to see a bulldozer unexpectedly come along and knock the wall down flat. The fly was devastated. The fly is me. The wall is the secure life that my husband and I built together over twenty years. The bulldozer is the death of my spouse. I never thought it would happen this way. My husband's parents were very hardy and lived well into their 90's, and my husband's constitution was stronger than mine. He never missed a day of work and was terrific at meeting daily challenges. He held the world by a string. I saw him as indestructible and I assumed that he would outlive me. This was the story I told myself. I never thought he would fall – at least not while I was still alive. I was wrong. After he passed, I learned that in the old days when people were getting married, they had their wills drawn up and paid for their cemetery plots. They were smart and didn't kid themselves about the brevity of life. "Til death do us part" was a closer reality then since lifespans were shorter. Perhaps people didn't live as long as they do nowadays, but it was the right idea. So, after witnessing the sun set on my dear husband, I have the following suggestions and recommendations for couples: 1. Make sure you both have properly executed wills. "Is there a will?" is a question that I was asked numerous times when taking care of my spouse's after-death affairs. Without a will, the settling of a spouse's estate will need to go through a legal process called "probate." Your spouse's will is vital to gain quick access to any jointly held financial accounts and the disposition of any assets solely in their name. If you have dependent children or pets, your will should specify who will be their guardian and their contingent guardian. Have this conversation NOW and get your intentions expressed in your wills while you are both of sound mind and body and have the luxury of specifying what is best for your children. You may not be completely happy with your options, but at least you can make your best decision in their best interests. In the event of both of your deaths – it does happen, sometimes within a month of the first spouse's death – and if you own a home that your children will inherit, will their personal guardian also be in charge of property management, or should there be a second person in charge of this? No one knows your family and your children like you do. If you die without a will ("intestate"), this critical decision will be made by a court, and your worst nightmare may come true – plus you won't be around to do anything about it. 2. Get term life insurance policies on both of you that are not dependent on either workplace. Get as much as you can – but try to get at least enough to pay off your mortgage should the worst happen. (You will really need it in addition to the insultingly low $255 "survivor's benefit" that Social Security will send you in the wake of your spouse's death!) You should shop price among reputable insurance companies – this is a contract and they have to pay out once you provide them with the proof they request that your spouse has died. Have a specific place for and know where your full life insurance policies are – insurance companies may request that you provide a copy of the policy they issued twenty years before (mine did). The best storage place for this and all your important life-and-death documents (especially your wills) is a concealed fireproof and waterproof safe in your home (not a bank safe deposit box with the relatively minor problem of needing a document right away outside of bank hours, to a worst case of the bank blocking access to the safe deposit box given various legal circumstances). 3. In addition to a joint checking account, maintain individual checking accounts that allow for quick transfers between all accounts. When your spouse dies, the bank will freeze either half or all of the money in a joint account. Even with a will, it can still take a couple of weeks before a joint checking account is unfrozen (since you will need to take the will and death certificate to the surrogate court in your county to obtain surrogate certificates for processing by banks and other institutions). Without a separate checking account in your name only, you may need to borrow money to pay funeral expenses and even regular bills – all at the worst time of your life while you are grieving. 4. Have a general power of attorney for each other. This is so important in the event of your spouse's incapacitation. In my case, my husband became unable to use his hands, and this extended to not being able to use a pen – no more handwritten cards, and no more signing of checks. 5. Have a living will that specifies your desires in the event that you are incapacitated or unable to make decisions about medical treatment. 6. Avoid home equity loans (HEL). The reason HEL's are easier to get over standard mortgages is that your house is collateral. I was shocked to read through a home equity loan agreement to discover there were over ten reasons why the HEL lender can foreclose on the borrower. The harsh truth is that death of one of the partners is cause for foreclosure if the bank chooses to exercise its legal rights under the contract. 7. Have an idea of what funeral home you would use in the event of a death. The morning my husband died, I knew ahead who I would call to get the ball rolling on this next unavoidable and painful step in losing him. 8. Shadow each other on a given day or days to become aware of what is involved in your spouse's various responsibilities: How things are done, where things are kept, who are the service providers, how conversations are conducted. If you had to suddenly pick up your spouse's responsibilities for home and property, could you? I will be the first to admit it's a challenge to take time out from your own responsibilities in the present to cross-train, but the alternative is to be left holding the entire bag of responsibilities with your spouse completely gone and unavailable to provide any guidance. Your spouse may make their job look easy, but it can be a rude awakening when they have vanished through death and you are left holding the bag. Put the relationship politics aside here and cross-train each other as much as possible! This is one of the greatest gifts you can give to each other in the event of one of you passing, plus it is a terrific way to walk a mile in each other's shoes and appreciate each other all the more. 9. Have a quarterly breakfast or lunch meeting with an agenda to discuss what your spouse should know if you are no longer alive. Work out a financial plan for how the money would work out. Assign action items to follow up on at the next meeting. 10. Have a quarterly wedding anniversary date. Once a quarter is good because it's not so often to become burdensome yet not too infrequent. This doesn't have to be lavish, just a dinner out-- something to mark and recognize your wedding day. Get a babysitter, get dressed up, present each other with a boutonniere and a corsage, and celebrate! Take selfies or have the restaurant take pictures of you. Take a still life photo of your dessert with your flowers and the table candle. We make time for funerals – their timing is non-negotiable. Let's make time for celebrating our life together! After the worst happened, I was very glad that we took the time out from everything else to celebrate our quarterly milestone and renew our intention to continue to build and strengthen our marriage. I still have one of my corsages, now dried, as a wonderful memento. May you be prepared for the sunset of your spouse, your love. May you give thanks for the gift of another day of loving. May your life together be long and joyful. May you live this day, this week, this year, as though they were your last together ... Because at some point, they will be. Any comments or questions on this article can be sent to "Anonymous" via: ctnl@comcast.net.

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